My Mom Is My Hero ... really?

A week or so ago, it came to my realization that maybe, just maybe the open house at Miss A's school might also be for preschool. I realized this, of course, just 4 hours before it started. When I got there, we looked around the class room and Aitana showed me around the room even though we both knew that I know the room well. I help in the classroom from time to time. Soon she was eager to have me check out the computer classroom at Ama's suggestion (Ama works at the school and knows the inside stuff). We walk in and the computer teacher shows us some of Aitana's work and the last thing to see was on the back wall. As I got closer to the wall, it came in to view ... a photo of ME, drawn by Aitana on the computer with the quote:

"My hero is my Mommy. She is my hero because I love her and because she does lots of fun things with me."

I instantly tried swallowing back tears. I was so happy that she picked me, but I was saddened because I could think of a handful of other people that she could have picked instead of me. I know she loves me ... still, why would I expect these other people to be chosen before me??? Because, sadly, I couldn't remember the last time a did lots of fun things with her.

Back during spring break when we are all in Nashville scoping out our new home, we had a lot of fun together. I didn't have the distraction of the sewing machine or the computer. We spent lots of time in the car together looking at houses, talking about what she wanted her new room to look like, checking out Nashville Zoo, the Hermitage, and more. It was completely focused attention on the 2 little people that matter most to me. Again, sadly I could not recall the last time I had that much fun with my kids. It was like for the first time in a very long time, I felt free. I felt happy. I felt relaxed.

Now the reality of this move is a little more daunting and not quite so freeing. I am a single mom 5 days a week. I'm responsible for everything and in doing so for the most part I find myself drowning. There is nothing I can do about these last few weeks before my little family is back together as one. Life is crazy. There are boxes around the house, there are last minute things that need to get done, among other obligations. I realize it's not easy to just drop everything and have fun.

Still, when the kids are in bed and I can take a breath, I think. Just think. What did I do with my kids today? Unfortunately, the answer is "not much." I've plugged them into the TV so I can get stuff done. Anything done. I sit in front of the computer, my sewing machine, anywhere that is not with my kids. And then I want to cry. And then I realize that in the last almost 2 years, I've spent more time with my sewing machine, my email, Etsy and Facebook (including Doll Baby Bowtique's fanpage). But how about my kids and my husband? It's a hard pill to swallow when I realize that those 3 people got what was left. And what was left? A fast dinner, a quick preschool pick-up, a quick song and tuck into bed ... just so I can finish that one last order only to have 5 more come in as I finished up, just one more email to respond to even though there will be another in an hour. And then comes the worst ... sitting in my room in quiet for 30 minutes or more while the kids are downstairs watching TV just so I can have a moment to rest without interruption.

I can honestly say that I'm appreciative for the work I received. I have actually made new friends through this venture, who I am so happy came into my life. And creating things for others has been fun and exciting. But after 2 years of busy (DBB has been around for 4 years, but just got "busy" in te last 2) my family has started to resent what I've considered fun and exciting. I've been so focused on everything else that now when I have a moment to sew up something fun for my kids, they get mad at me. My daughter tells me that she doesn't like what I've done "for her" and won't wear it. It makes me sad, which then makes me mad. And then I get a "talk" from the hubby, which makes me madder. But when I'm alone once everyone has said good night and gone to sleep, I get a nagging feeling. A horrible, anxiety-ridden, empty felling. I go to sleep and tell myself I'll try to do it better tomorrow. After all, they're only 4 and 2 (well, 4.5 and almost 3). I can make it up, right?

No ... I can't make up the time. My photo albums on my computer are practically bare. I used to take more pictures because we used to do more "fun things." As we get ready for this big life changing move, I've come to realized that I've done everything to not be my daughter's hero. It was more important for me to gain fans, get orders, be the hero to strangers who needed an order filled by the end of the week because they love my stuff and need it for a big event in their life. I came through for them. I was the hero, I did everything to "keep up" with the other boutiques, to make myself known. I was on top of my emails, I was so busy I barely stayed on top of orders, but I did it. I stopped having play dates, I stopped making plans to do things. But at what cost? No park, no zoo. Disneyland, yes, but not as often as I would have liked while we had the passes. No time to plan ahead, exercise, or even take pictures of my family. I was so busy, I even forgot to get a 2012 calendar. I even said I was taking last December off just to enjoy, but did I? No.

I've been thinking about this for a while. I read another blog tonight about the moment the author realized she was missing the moments in her life and her decision to be "Hands Free." I read some of the posts and of course they hit home. Then I read about her "defining moment" and I cried. I cried thinking about the moments I've missed. I cried thinking about how my daughter believes I'm a hero even when my actions don't deserve it. I cried wondering when everyone else's opinion of me mattered more than a sweet, brilliant 4.5 year old girl who looks to me as an example of what a woman and mom should be. I cried thinking that there is a spunky little guy who's about to turn 3 and wondered where his year of being 2 went and what we have to show for it. I can't remember so many of those special moments from the last few months. 

Tonight I got fed up with the mess that is Aitana's room and I started to get mad at her for not picking up like she should. I was put my frustration on her, commanding her to pick up this and that and put that in the closet and throw the "trash" away. She started to cry. So I grabbed her up and asked her to stop crying and told her I would clean her room with her help. She relaxed and I realized that I am responsible for her room being a mess the terrible way it was. I didn't teach her how to do it. I didn't take the time to be present and show her so she would know. Not any more. I don't like making her cry. I know the kids will always do things to test their limits and make me mad, but I need to be the one to teach them how to live life. I'm tired of not living ... I'm tired of being a slave to this system I've created myself. I know I don't have a lot of choice in the next 2.5 weeks while we pack and prep for moving. But when we get to our destination 2000 miles away, I won't have any reason to wait. I will be the mom I started to be and lost somewhere along the line in the last 2 years.

I've found a passion in sewing and creating. That won't stop ... I'm going to enjoy creating for my kids, for my family members and friends. I enjoy making things for others for important moments in their lives, from new babies to birthdays to the first day of school. If I cut that out completely, it would be removing something that is just me. But I can no longer allow my kids and husband to get what's left. They deserve first dibs on me over anyone else. I think I can do that for them. In my girl's mind, I am her hero. It's time I lived up to her expectations of me.

So as we approach this Mother's Day ... my 4th Mother's Day ... I feel as though I have a new lease of my "mom life." I plan on enjoying and appreciating the 3 people who gave me that title, even if we are packing all day :P

That Girl

I know most moms are just blown away by their kids. Every child is a genius, brilliant, insightful. So, I'm sure you won't mind it if I feel biased and say my daughter is just the most amazing little girl ever.

Before I left on my adventure to Nashville, I gave my kiddos enough kisses to last 4 days. As I was leaving, Aitana turns to me and tells me "I'll hold your kiss on my heart." Yes, tears followed.

Over the past few days she has just blown me away with her amazingness (I'm making it a word). First of all, she seems to be coming around to this whole moving to Nashville deal. Up until this past Thursday, every time "Nashville" was mentioned, she'd go in to her sad "I don't want to move. I want to live in California" bit. But then on Thursday something changed ... She asked if where daddy was ... of course, he was in Nashville. Her face suddenly brightened and she exclaimed, "I can't wait to go to Nashville!" So what changed? She realized it was better for all of us to be together ... she's done our family being split on 2 sides of the country. She's only 4 and she came to that realization on her own ... BRILLIANT!

She blew me away again on Saturday morning ... I was on the phone with my mom and we were talking about Daddy L being home with us again and how it was so nice to just be together for a few days. Out of the corner I hear a quiet voice telling me "That's how it's supposed to be." My heart skipped a beat.

Later that day we were having a mommy/girlie moment ... she as telling me about her future. She's going to have 3 children ... 2 girls, 1 boy. Apparently, if we're good, God will give her 2 girls and a boy ... and yes, she has them named, too. But before she's married and has her babies, she will be a doctor. And she will live in California. I asked her if she planned on living in California even if Mommy and Daddy still live in Tennessee. Her response? "Of course. I will live in California because at that time I will be the mommy, so I'll get to decide where were live. But it's okay mommy, because you can come and visit me." Um, yeah ... I almost cried. In the same conversation she told me that when I (yes, me, Katrina) grow up, I should be a teacher because apparently would be a good one. I tried to explain that I am grown up and I am a mommy, etc., but in her mind, I still have some growing up to do! Ha ... so brilliant.

Finally, as I was putting Miss A to bed last night (Saturday), she hugged me tight, looked me in the eyes and asked "Mommy, will you always be my best friend?" Absolutely! Tears again ...

I'm not foolish enough to think that she will always feel this way ... I'm fully aware of and totally unprepared for the teenage years. But for now, I'm soaking up all this 4 year old brilliance and insight. I love that girl.

It's not called the Bible Belt for nothing!

So, as I posted on my facebook page last night ... yesterday was an interesting, turned discouraging, sort of day. It was my very FIRST trip to Tennessee. Yes, I urged my husband to take a job in and move our family to a state I've never been to. Crazy, maybe? Blind faith, definitely! But everyone we have ever talked to about TN has had nothing but rave reviews.

So, we arrive and what do I see ... nothing but dreary, gray, cold, bare, wet Tennessee. Kinwa's responds "Well, you wanted to move to a place with seasons. This is what's called winter, Baby." Ok, so I laughed. After a good nap and some coffee, we headed off to what we thought would be the best place for us to live. Hendersonville is close to Nashville and the airport, good school scores, decent rent on houses. Ok, let's go! We stopped at Target and we stop to have dinner ... and we got the glares! OMG - an Asian/white mixed race couple! How dare they?! We questioned as to why we got seated at the back of the restaurant, but whatever. The main street, well, it looked run down, not very pleasant. Not quite the area I imagined living in. So we went for a drive ... through the dark ... in the middle of nowhere. Ok, we did pass through a couple of larger cities, but once we passed those, there was nothing for a long time. Along the way, we saw that confederate flag. Oh yay :/ And let's not forget my husbands funny line "there sure are a lot of white people here."

After laughing all this off with each other and an encouraging call to my parents, we were ready to forge on and look for better. So, we did our research. We picked random cities, Kinwa looked up demographics while I looked up rentals, of course school scores. We weren't so concerned about the number of white people, but we made sure to check out Asian demographics and "Two or more ethnic groups" demographics. We found out that out of TN's millions of residents, only 1% is Asian. Many of the cities held that same demographic. You know what else I found out ... the KKK can gather publicly as long as it is peaceable and without intent to harm. OMG turned into WTF quickly.

Our research confirmed our thoughts of checking out Murfreesboro, TN (over 2,000 Asians). We had addresses for rentals to drive past just to check out neighborhoods. And Kinwa fell asleep. Me? I was up until 4am thinking, writing, crying and wondering WTF kind of mess I just got my family in. No, Kinwa was not the one who came to me about this Nashville job, I was the one who suggested and encouraged it. I couldn't help but think, what if every area looks this run down and unpleasant? Eventually I fell into sleep.

Enter Sunday ... I had hoped to get up early and go to church and experience that aspect of MRFB (what I will call Murfreesboro from now on). But 4am ... not happening! When we got there, we came across Chef Wang's Chinese Buffet ... yes, the beacon was calling us. We're both suckers for a good Chinese Buffet and this parking lot was PACKED. We were not disappointed. A good start to our adventure. And while we were there, we saw someone from every ethnic group I could think of off the top of my head, and we relaxed. After lunch, we drove to find the downtown. It was adorable. Very much like the Village in Claremont. Again, we relaxed. Just what we were looking for. But everything was closed, after all ... it is Sunday. So then we drove to find houses, the Catholic church, etc. Everything looked lovely. Old houses, newer homes that looked old, clean, spacious, and nice. Then we found MTSU (Middle TN State Univ). We were encouraged ... college town means DIVERSITY!!!! And we relaxed a little more.

So, we punched in an address to go check out rental neighborhoods. We didn't check out the large 4 bd we expected but saw an open house for another rental. We walked in and after that ... well it can only be explained as a "God Thing." The owner, who is also a realtor, was there. We looked around (not enough rooms for what we need, but still beautiful), but then spent the next hour plus talking to this woman. She lived in MRFB for 30 years, has 2 stepdaughters who are also young parents and she's a grandmother to young, school-age kids. She new everything there was to know about MRFB. She confirmed everything we researched and MORE! She took her personal time to give us more than we could have ever asked for. At the end, she asked us if we go to Church. We knew she was feeling us out early on ... we explained our situations ... different denominations ... not sure which direction to go with our family ... and she was very kind and gracious. "Y'all be able to find any church you're lookin' for. It's not called the Bible Belt for nothing!" After a little laugh, we were on our way.

For the first time this trip, we didn't feel like we just made a huge mistake. This lady was a God-send. We were all in the right place at the right time. She was exactly who we needed to meet. A mom, a grandmother, a woman of experience and kindness. And there was no doubt ... Murfreesboro is where we're supposed to be!

What's up next? The Country Music Hall of Fame! ya baby :)

Good-bye 2011, Hello 2012

Is it just me or did 2011 go by in a flash? It's pretty obvious since my last blog post was almost 1 year ago. What happened? I thought I enjoyed writing? I definitely do, but I discovered my love of sewing is even greater!

2011 was a wonderful success for my little business! I can't believe how one little resolution to try sewing things I was afraid opened a whole new world of fun! DBB has kept me super busy (as well as being a stay-at-home mommy and wife), and I am so grateful for that.

2011 saw no end to my poor Aitana's health issues. In July we had an allergy scare ... after eating some chow mein from a Chinese restaurant we'd never been to before, Aitana went into anaphylactic shock. Swollen lips, throat closing and major vomiting. It was disgusting, but after talking to the paramedic, I've never been more thankful for throw-up. It's what saved her life in the absence of an epi pen. We got to have our first trip to the ER in an ambulance. The best part was that daddy was out of town on business ... um yeah. But thank goodness for Ama and Pa ... they've never gotten her so fast! August brought another trip to the ER. After that, we stopped putting off a visit to an allergist. I think I cried as much as Aitana when she got poked. My sweet girl ... allergic to more foods than I imagined and is severely allergic to all pollens! We tried to give fall a go without shots, but I don't know what I was thinking ... the girl just suffered. December brought on more doctor's appts and finally a decision to just go for the shots. 3 weeks into it and what an amazing difference! Allergy shots are the bomb-diggity (yes, I said it). She is now breathing clearly, no congestion, no ugly crusty nose ... she's not even snoring as she's laying next to me right now. But we are supplied - epi pen, benadryl tablets, nasonex, claritin, nebulizer + albuterol. Phew!

On a positive note, Aitana did great with the mommy and me preschool and we decided she was doing so well, that she needed to be in preschool! So, we started her at my grade school. And boy was that one of the best decisions we've ever made! She is simply excelling! Her teacher even told me to stop teaching her at home! She is learning at a Kindergarten level and just yearns for more! Her most favorite subject is art. This girl can draw! She would do it all day if we let her ... thankfully she incorporates her letters, numbers and simple words into her art at times. I think art lessons are a must for the upcoming year! I just couldn't be prouder of my girl. I am certainly blessed to be her mommy!

Mr. Gabriel ... what can I say? He's "just Gabriel." That's what he says anyway. The boy won't stop growing. He's a sweet little tough guy. A little boy with a man size voice. He has started showing his true colors, and what a personality he has! He is a jokester. We have always said he is our mischief maker and still is, but now he's added a sense of humor to it. I think one day soon we'll be in real trouble with this kids. He is a charmer too ... he knows how to put the pretty ladies under his spell. On top of this, he is wonderfully brilliant. I may be biased, but his pediatrician told us that, too. He is advanced for a boy ... and it's because of his sister's influence. I had no idea he could recognize numbers and letters until just a few weeks ago. He listens and pays attention to EVERYTHING. I am proud of this guy, too. How could I not be? I am blessed times 2!

No, we didn't have any super fabulous great adventures this past year. No vacations or anything like that. But we have truly enjoyed our Disneyland passes and soaking up all things Disney, as well as our zoo pass. We still had a TON of FUN!

2011 wasn't a stranger to some sadness as well ... my grandmother Angie Batista was very sick for most of the year. She passed away at the age of 88 on Aug. 23. We all miss her dearly ... it's just not the same without her. My cousin's husband also died in a car accident this December. We didn't know him well, but he was a good man and made my cousin very happy. She's on my mind everyday and while I may not say it, I pray for peace in her heart and mind as she journey's through this difficult time.

On a happy note, Kinwa and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary ... that went fast and was oh so much fun! Hoping for another 50! The kids and I also got to spend lots of time with my Dad (and mom of course) ... we got to see my dad every Tuesday and have loved it.

Now that my super long catch up post is done ... here is to 2012 and all the adventures it is sure to bring!

Happy New Year!