A week or so ago, it came to my realization that maybe, just maybe the open house at Miss A's school might also be for preschool. I realized this, of course, just 4 hours before it started. When I got there, we looked around the class room and Aitana showed me around the room even though we both knew that I know the room well. I help in the classroom from time to time. Soon she was eager to have me check out the computer classroom at Ama's suggestion (Ama works at the school and knows the inside stuff). We walk in and the computer teacher shows us some of Aitana's work and the last thing to see was on the back wall. As I got closer to the wall, it came in to view ... a photo of ME, drawn by Aitana on the computer with the quote:
"My hero is my Mommy. She is my hero because I love her and because she does lots of fun things with me."
I instantly tried swallowing back tears. I was so happy that she picked me, but I was saddened because I could think of a handful of other people that she could have picked instead of me. I know she loves me ... still, why would I expect these other people to be chosen before me??? Because, sadly, I couldn't remember the last time a did lots of fun things with her.
Back during spring break when we are all in Nashville scoping out our new home, we had a lot of fun together. I didn't have the distraction of the sewing machine or the computer. We spent lots of time in the car together looking at houses, talking about what she wanted her new room to look like, checking out Nashville Zoo, the Hermitage, and more. It was completely focused attention on the 2 little people that matter most to me. Again, sadly I could not recall the last time I had that much fun with my kids. It was like for the first time in a very long time, I felt free. I felt happy. I felt relaxed.
Now the reality of this move is a little more daunting and not quite so freeing. I am a single mom 5 days a week. I'm responsible for everything and in doing so for the most part I find myself drowning. There is nothing I can do about these last few weeks before my little family is back together as one. Life is crazy. There are boxes around the house, there are last minute things that need to get done, among other obligations. I realize it's not easy to just drop everything and have fun.
Still, when the kids are in bed and I can take a breath, I think. Just think. What did I do with my kids today? Unfortunately, the answer is "not much." I've plugged them into the TV so I can get stuff done. Anything done. I sit in front of the computer, my sewing machine, anywhere that is not with my kids. And then I want to cry. And then I realize that in the last almost 2 years, I've spent more time with my sewing machine, my email, Etsy and Facebook (including Doll Baby Bowtique's fanpage). But how about my kids and my husband? It's a hard pill to swallow when I realize that those 3 people got what was left. And what was left? A fast dinner, a quick preschool pick-up, a quick song and tuck into bed ... just so I can finish that one last order only to have 5 more come in as I finished up, just one more email to respond to even though there will be another in an hour. And then comes the worst ... sitting in my room in quiet for 30 minutes or more while the kids are downstairs watching TV just so I can have a moment to rest without interruption.
I can honestly say that I'm appreciative for the work I received. I have actually made new friends through this venture, who I am so happy came into my life. And creating things for others has been fun and exciting. But after 2 years of busy (DBB has been around for 4 years, but just got "busy" in te last 2) my family has started to resent what I've considered fun and exciting. I've been so focused on everything else that now when I have a moment to sew up something fun for my kids, they get mad at me. My daughter tells me that she doesn't like what I've done "for her" and won't wear it. It makes me sad, which then makes me mad. And then I get a "talk" from the hubby, which makes me madder. But when I'm alone once everyone has said good night and gone to sleep, I get a nagging feeling. A horrible, anxiety-ridden, empty felling. I go to sleep and tell myself I'll try to do it better tomorrow. After all, they're only 4 and 2 (well, 4.5 and almost 3). I can make it up, right?
No ... I can't make up the time. My photo albums on my computer are practically bare. I used to take more pictures because we used to do more "fun things." As we get ready for this big life changing move, I've come to realized that I've done everything to not be my daughter's hero. It was more important for me to gain fans, get orders, be the hero to strangers who needed an order filled by the end of the week because they love my stuff and need it for a big event in their life. I came through for them. I was the hero, I did everything to "keep up" with the other boutiques, to make myself known. I was on top of my emails, I was so busy I barely stayed on top of orders, but I did it. I stopped having play dates, I stopped making plans to do things. But at what cost? No park, no zoo. Disneyland, yes, but not as often as I would have liked while we had the passes. No time to plan ahead, exercise, or even take pictures of my family. I was so busy, I even forgot to get a 2012 calendar. I even said I was taking last December off just to enjoy, but did I? No.
I've been thinking about this for a while. I read another blog tonight about the moment the author realized she was missing the moments in her life and her decision to be "Hands Free." I read some of the posts and of course they hit home. Then I read about her "defining moment" and I cried. I cried thinking about the moments I've missed. I cried thinking about how my daughter believes I'm a hero even when my actions don't deserve it. I cried wondering when everyone else's opinion of me mattered more than a sweet, brilliant 4.5 year old girl who looks to me as an example of what a woman and mom should be. I cried thinking that there is a spunky little guy who's about to turn 3 and wondered where his year of being 2 went and what we have to show for it. I can't remember so many of those special moments from the last few months.
Tonight I got fed up with the mess that is Aitana's room and I started to get mad at her for not picking up like she should. I was put my frustration on her, commanding her to pick up this and that and put that in the closet and throw the "trash" away. She started to cry. So I grabbed her up and asked her to stop crying and told her I would clean her room with her help. She relaxed and I realized that I am responsible for her room being a mess the terrible way it was. I didn't teach her how to do it. I didn't take the time to be present and show her so she would know. Not any more. I don't like making her cry. I know the kids will always do things to test their limits and make me mad, but I need to be the one to teach them how to live life. I'm tired of not living ... I'm tired of being a slave to this system I've created myself. I know I don't have a lot of choice in the next 2.5 weeks while we pack and prep for moving. But when we get to our destination 2000 miles away, I won't have any reason to wait. I will be the mom I started to be and lost somewhere along the line in the last 2 years.
I've found a passion in sewing and creating. That won't stop ... I'm going to enjoy creating for my kids, for my family members and friends. I enjoy making things for others for important moments in their lives, from new babies to birthdays to the first day of school. If I cut that out completely, it would be removing something that is just me. But I can no longer allow my kids and husband to get what's left. They deserve first dibs on me over anyone else. I think I can do that for them. In my girl's mind, I am her hero. It's time I lived up to her expectations of me.
So as we approach this Mother's Day ... my 4th Mother's Day ... I feel as though I have a new lease of my "mom life." I plan on enjoying and appreciating the 3 people who gave me that title, even if we are packing all day :P
11 years ago
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